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Advanced Tips on Describing Yourself, Part 1 Print E-mail


Now that you've finally decided what gender you are, what body type you have, whether or not you have kids and a spouse, and what your perfect match will be like, we can now get to the meat of the menu; the narrative section (a.k.a. All About Me). This is where you can start using all the exciting adjectives to describe yourself, and to mention your hobbies, interests, and accomplishments. As with the other parts of an ad, there's good stuff to put in and not-so-good stuff to leave out. Here's a typical narrative that I see quite often from guys:

"I'm looking for someone to fill the void in my heart, to take romantic walks on the beach, to enjoy a special night out at a nice restaurant, and to drink fine wine by a roaring fire. I'm looking for someone who will understand me for who I am. I believe honesty and communication are the key to any successful relationship, and I hate to end a date without a great goodnight hug."

Alrighty. That scenario sounds so romantic and scintillating that it makes my heart melt, along with my mint chocolate chip ice cream. But I'd be willing to bet (Monopoly) money that the pretty picture painted above will probably only last no more than three, maybe four dates. Am I right, ladies?

After a few dates, it's like, "Oh honey, let's just stay in tonight, big game's on this evening. It's just not any game; it's the biggest game of the week. We'll go out later, like after the season is over, I promise."

Hopping off the beaten track once again, I've always wondered why these so-called couch potato sports junkies are even looking to have a woman around. After all, we just fidget and talk during the game, ask stupid questions and nag all night long. But then I realized why they do what us around; they need somebody to fetch their chips and beer for them. Note: If you find out your dating prospect is the proud owner of the 850 sports channel satellite package, you may want to reconsider pursuing a relationship. Chances are his availability may be limited, especially during football, basketball, baseball and hockey season, which if you haven't figured out, runs year-round.

I'm also trying to figure out why people take precious time out of their hectic, stressful lives to list the fact that they like dining out, movies and walks on the beach. Of course, we all like that stuff. If we didn't we'd all starve to death and the entertainment industry would be in the red. As far as walks on the beach goes, I grew up where there were no beaches, just massive mud puddles after heavy downpours, but when I moved to a location that does have beaches, have I ever been taken on a moonlit walk along one? Do guys even know how to find the beach? (Surfer-dudes excluded!)

Why is it so hard for guys to mention that they really enjoy eating cereal out of the box, they like to go to sporting events wearing more team color paint on their body than clothes, and that they enjoy smokin' big ol' stogies wearing their favorite blown-out pair of Fruit of the Looms sitting in their comfy, broken-down La-Z-Boy in front of their big screen? We will find this out sooner or later.

Maybe the dinners out and the movie thing sounds more attractive than the above example? Then again (equal time rule) you won't see a woman writing, "I enjoy hosting home decoration parties, I love doing aerobics and yoga, reading romance novels and I especially love spending time with the kids at the Gymboree."


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